Who would have thought it would be this hard

When no one seems to understand….

When you had a bad relationship and cant get away from not seeing her….

When you have a lot of work and nothing to show for it….

When you feel un appreciated…..

When you pray and nothing changes…..

Man, mom. How did you know exactly how I feel...I can't put it into words. The only thing that comes out is I don't know. How can you express when your heart just hurts? Is there even words created to describe that? I'm sorry that I can't describe why I feel how I feel. But even still...my best isn't cutting it. I work so hard...and I'm moving backwards. I never thought it would be so hard to motivate myself to keep trying. I hate how I always feel...and I try to change. And I pray for change. But change isn't visible. Why can't it just all be over? Why can't my heart just feel better. Why can't I change my mindset? Sure...I knew it would hurt for a while. But this long? And does it all stem from that? Is that where the issues came to the surface? I have been trying to fix it all, but it breaks faster than I can fix it...; I just want you to acknowledge that I exist. God...fix me. You're all I have left.

My own army...

Judges 7. Gideon. 32,000 men to fight for Israel...and yet God says "Nope. Too many." So Gideon sends 22,000 men home. 10,000. SURELY that is not enough men to bring down Midian. And yet...God says "Nope. You still have too many men." So there is Gideon. And 300 others. To take down an army. Shane Claiborne says "Only God can be trusted with power and strength, lest Israel think too highly of herself or depend on her military might rather than the miraculous God who can split oceans open to protect them."

Right now...I am in a process where God is saying to me "Nope. You are still depending on yourself. I want less of you." So I break myself down, thinking SURELY, God, this is enough to suffice. How will I survive against Midian without counting on myself! And then God says "Nope. Still too much." And as I'm sitting here...I finally GET IT. The more of ME that is involved, the more I think to myself "Look what I have brought myself through." And I can just imagine God thinking to himself "Ryan, you are a MORON. You don't get it. This isn't about YOU. It's about ME. When will you see that I will break you down until you realize that you are NOTHING without me. I will split the oceans to protect you, but until you win the battle as a BROKEN man, you won't learn that I suffice. I am all you need. Without me, you are nothing. You are made in MY image, not your own. Without me, you lose every time."

I get it. The breaking me down is building me up. The less of me there is to fight with, the MORE of me that will be left standing. God goes ahead, behind, and to the sides. When I empty myself, I am filled with Him. As I look in the mirror, I no longer see me. I see Him. He makes me...me. I am learning that if I still think I won on my own, that it was ME that got me through it, than I haven't won at all. Until I see that without God, the battle was lost; until I see that he fought for me, than there is too much of me in the equation still. 

Me - Me = God.