That look in my eye...

I am convinced that Jesus had a look in his eye that when others saw it, they KNEW without a doubt that he cared about every part of their lives. And I want that look. I want people to see me and no matter who they are, they know I care about every part of their lives. They hear about this "Jesus" guy all the time...but never know what he was like; how he acted. I take it upon myself (as we all should) to, as my favorite saying goes, be Jesus with skin on. We need to be a visual representation of what this guy was all about. Because if we don't...who will? I want to have the eyes of Jesus...eyes of compassion and love. Because without that look...why even bother with who I am? I have nothing special to bring...but if I have that spirit about me...they aren't going to see me. They are going to see my model...Jesus.

Lessons from a crazy kid with a flag...

There I am, playin guitar on stage, right in the middle, when I look down and see this kid. He is collapsed on the steps to the stage, clutching his teams flag. You see, this kid's name is Shai. Hes gonna be a ninth grader next hear in East Providence. What a kid Shai is. You talk about energy...while getting to know him throughout the week, he told me about everything from his girl issues to his embarrassing stories, down to his favorite candy (which we bonded on cause it was Reese's). Anyway, here I look down and he is just clutching this flag, worshipping his Lord. Even on the fast songs, I would look down and see him waving his teams flag...

You see, normally, I make fun of flag worshippers. But this 14 year old kid has GOT it. What if we could just say to the world "You know what? I don't care what you think about me. I'm going to do what I'm going to do, no matter how you feel about it. I don't need your stupid approval, my God is worth it." What an idea. One of my favorite sayings is "sometimes you just have to let loose." I got this from a guy named Karl in Costa Rica, when out of nowhere, he hears this song on the station in a subway and just start groovin to it, right there in the lobby. I used to think that this was crazy! Until I slowly realized that why even bother with this existence if I can't be excited by it! Sometimes you just gotta let loose!!! Anyways...back to Shai. He didn't care what the other kids thought about him; he didn't want their approval. He wanted God's. And you know what? I'm sure God was up there lookin' down and saying "Shai, you have GOT it. And I LOVE you so much. If only those around you could just realize what you have...". Shai, you will never read this, and I wish I would have told you this to your face, but you are my hero. You taught me a lesson in one glance that it takes some a lifetime to achieve.

So if you are reading this, I just want to let you know that I don't care what you think about me, and neither does my big dad. He just wants me to love him and lay it all down for him. From here on out, when I play for him, I'm gonna leave it all on that stage. When I sing for him, I want my voice to be completely depleted, given up in worship. I don't care what those kids down there think, I want them to see me and see that I'm just letting loose. After all, why not randomly dance in a subway...you never know whos face you might brighten... (i like to think that God laughs at me and thinks to himself "you go Ryan. Enjoy the life I gave you, make the most of it. Dance like no one is watching." 

So Shai, thanks. I dedicate this to you. And I know for a fact that God looks down and you bring joy to his face, just because of who you are. Don't ever lose that passion you have, cause you sure bring joy to my heart. 

How He Loves

  Oh, how he loves us. Those are amazing words. The God of the Universe, the maker of all, loves me. My God loves me so much that he wants to visit with me. When I say his name, he hears and answers. We have a God that thoroughly enjoys spending time with us, that just wants us to sit at his feet. All these other religions have these gods that are so distant. They demand allegiance. When you die, they keep you guessing, hoping that you did enough to squeak by and enter into paradise. But God, my God, loves me and just wants to be close to me. He loves me and all he asks of me is that I love him in return. There is no guessing, no formula, and no program. Just unending Love. 

Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that. Eph. 5:1-2

He doesn't want anything in return. He just wants us. No matter what I do, I cannot escape his love. I can't run away from it. It doesn't matter how I feel in return, he still loves me. The maker of everything loves me so much that he knows my name. And when I have a question for him, he even answers! The love he has for me transcends any love that ever was. Everything that he has done throughout history was because of his love for us. No matter how many times we are hurt or rejected, his love remains. When all is gone and turned to dust, his love still wraps me in his arms. I don't have time to worry when I dwell on his love. When I worry, it shows my lack of trust in who He is. When I stress, it just shows my desire to have control over the situation, when all I need to do is lay it down. His love covers it all, everytime. I desire to love like God loves. I pray that I would have a love that covers the wrongs done to me. That no matter what someone does to me, I still love them. Who am I to hold a grudge when God doesn't. Imagine if He held grudges...we would have no chance. So why should I. I choose to love, like He loves me.

Letting Go

Not really sure how to start this...it's pretty transparent, but I guess I'll just type and see what happens...

Life is definitely not easy...pain, heartache, and depression are so close to us at all times that it is impossible to ignore. Right now...I'm still hurting. I struggle so much with the idea that it's completely my fault; that surely there is something I could have done to fix the issue... Pain is an interesting thing...it grips the heart. Fills up your soul, busies your mind. It is so easy to dwell in pain, just ride it for who knows how long. Then because of the pain, people you come in contact with never see the real you. Everytime we get hurt, we seem to lose a part of ourselves. We close, little by little. I am so scared that because I have been hurt, I won't be able to trust again. It is so tough to not let people deal with hurt that never involved them in the first place. While discussing this with my dad, he told me that the only thing that I can do is to just let it go. Just to say "God, here it is. I give it to you. I don't want to carry this anymore, so I give it to you." I find that I remind myself of this daily. When that pain grips my heart, I just say "God, I let it go. You know the pain I carry and the worry that I have, but I give it to you. It isn't mine to carry anymore...you alone hold my future, so I release this worry. I give it all to you." 

As I'm finding, this isn't an easy prayer to pray. To pray this, you have to mean it; to mean it, you have to let it go. Even if you don't want to. It's so funny how we have this pain, yet we still seem to thrive on it. Why is that? Maybe because we can use it at a crutch or an excuse? Maybe to justify how we act and base our decisions later on in life? How does that even help us? Why should a person I come into contact with have to deal with the pain from before? Just let it go! We have the option for it to be lifted from us, yet we squeeze it so tightly like its a safety blanket. At some point, a child needs to learn to grow without their safety blanket...can you imagine if adults just continued to carry them around in life? Yet that is exactly what we do with our lives! We clutch our pain and our "woe is me" for so long that it stunts who we are. We cease to realize that it doesn't just affect you, it affects those you care about and those who would like to care about you. "God, I let it go." And yet, those 5 words are still so difficult to say. I love instant results, but some things aren't that easy. The more I pray this, the deeper it gets into my spirit. Even after a while, when I pray these words, the pain hurts even greater. But I HAVE to do it, or I will be an adult stunted in my maturity, carrying around my safety blanket for the world to see. So I challenge you, just as I challenge myself. Don't dwell in the past. Don't fear the future. Give it up with open arms.