The random happenings of a certain Ryan...

Sorry blogger...

2010-12-25T17:57:00.001-08:00

I moved my blog to wordpress! Check me there at ryanseler.wordpress.com

Stress

2010-12-13T13:44:00.000-08:00

I see so many posts on facebook about how "stressed" people are and how bad they want the "stress" to end. My only response....stop stressing. For real. Stress is a choice. Take a bit...sit back...and just look at what is in front of you. There is no reason to stress. Breathe. Trust. Work.

To be able to texture something...

2010-12-11T15:30:00.000-08:00

I search for the realness, the real feeling of a subject, all the texture around it... I always want to see the third dimension of something... I want to come alive with the object.
-Andrew Wyeth

Lately, I've started to realize that tearing up a guitar solo isn't my thing. Am I a little disappointed? Yes. I mean...I'm sure it will come in time, but even if I can't solo with the likes of John Mayer, I'm gonna be OK. However, through this, I am finding myself. I've been playing guitar for 7 years, the last 2 and a half seriously, but the one thing I have found is that my musical calling is not to be the best at soloing or have the sweetest licks; my goal is to texture. I want to be able to listen to absolutely anything, to be able to play with any band or musician, and give music that layer that it is missing. Sure, I could work to solo for 4 bars, but what about the other 3 minutes of the song? Who I am, musically speaking, is the guy who no one may notice until I'm not playing anything. I want to add that layer that truly makes the music come alive. Andrew Wyeth was an American artist, and primarily painter. And that quote is for me. I want to add that 3rd dimension to what I do...I want to make the music come alive, just as playing music makes ME come alive. My goal is that one day, when I'm doing this professionally, you won't notice me until I'm gone. Because when I'm gone, the song lost a dimension. Thanks for obliging my musical thoughts...even if you don't really care all that much. :)

(insert title)

2010-12-09T13:00:00.000-08:00

I haven't done this in forever. And I've been thinking about doing it forever. But I haven't. Prologue: John Mark McMillan is the man. John Mark's guitarist, James Duke, is even more of a man. I have slowly made him into my guitar idol. Sure...I LOVE John Mayer. But i'll never be able to play like that. James Duke...he plays like how I play. His style is my style. I found his blog...and found the following...

We Dont Grow On Trees

i think one of the hardest parts of being a musician is being yourself. musicians, like any artists, are an insecure bunch. it’s cool to be different, as long as it’s different like everybody else. you can play any guitar these days, as long as it’s a telecaster. you can listen to any music, as long as nobody has heard it before you. everybody wants to rock the boat, but nobody will grab on to the side and start pushing. it’s a culture of cool. it’s bad for you. it’s bad for your music. it’s bad for creating anything different.

If you want to have your own sound you have to be yourself.

now, i’m not saying you can’t play a telecaster because everybody else has one. i have a tele and i love it. i sometimes find myself on the opposite end of the spectrum and i don’t want to play it because everybody else does. that isn’t good either. it’s just a guitar. who cares. but still. if you play something different a lot of people (read idiots) will think less of you. i’ve seen it happen a thousand times. sometimes i want to play my prs places just because i know people won’t think it’s cool. who cares.

it’s not about the instrument. it’s what comes out of the instrument.

i’m not trying to come down on people. i’m just suggesting that if you, as a musician, want to shake something up and create your own sound you have to think for yourself. you have to get out of what is expected. if you can, even for a minute, that’s when the real music happens. because that’s when you get honest. i know that you can tell when you are being real, because i can tell when i’m being real. let it be messy. let it be super polished. let it be lo-fi. let it be hi-fi. let it be real. that’s what art is about. you are creating something from nothing. often times when i am writing music i think it’s the stupidest thing i’ve ever heard. maybe because it doesn’t sound like what people i look up to sound like. maybe because i think people are going to not like it. or maybe i don’t think it’s as cool as the younger guys. i’m sure they don’t sit around worrying about that. they probably do. nevermind. it’s supposed to be scary and it’s supposed to make you uncomfortable. that’s the point.

WE DON’T GROW ON TREES.

there is only one person that can do what you do.

if i have a particular aspect of my playing that is a little unique, it’s probably the stuff i do on slide. which bothers me because i can’t just play slide on every song. right? sometimes i feel like i am playing it every song. then i feel stupid. anyways. it’s because i basically taught myself how to play slide. there wasn’t a whole lot of slide playing when i was growing up. besides the blues. i do love how the edge plays slide. probably one of my favorite slide parts is on a natalie imbruglia song called wrong impression. that was a song that made me want to play slide. people tell me i play the slide on the wrong finger, and that i shouldn’t play in standard tuning, and that brass slides are better… but that’s how i play. so whatevers. i used to get really insecure about everything i did. i’m sick of being insecure about the musician i am. i’m probably never going to be able to play jazz. i’m probably never going to be able to read music. i’m probably never going to be able to be as good as a lot of my friends. but that’s a dumb reason to be insecure and tighten up when they are in the same room. it’s the lack of any real proficiency on my instrument that makes me interested in music. so why be insecure. i am who i am. i play loud, sloppy and drenched in effects. that’s just sort of my style.

play like you mean it even when you have no idea what you are doing. there. that’s my secret.

don’t be afraid of who you are. don’t be ashamed of who you are.

i don’t grow on trees. neither do you.

Stop this Train...

2010-08-21T21:36:00.001-07:00

Stop this train

I wanna get off and go home again

I can't take the speed it's moving in

Once again...the perfect lyric. Sitting here in my bed the night before I say goodbye to my family. Again. It's seems as if all we ever do is say goodbye to eachother. Family is such a precious thing. Here I am, entering my final year of college. One more christmas as a family, and then who knows. Where will I be next christmas? Will I be with my family? Or will I be working as a pastor somewhere unable to be with them for the holidays. As a child, all I wanted was to grow up. To graduate. To get a job. We always want the future...until the future is right in front of us. Sitting here on the brink of what I will become, I look back and think to myself "Man. If I only had a few more years. Just more time where I can be with my family when I want. When I can spend time with them without having to plan ahead. Without having to pay for a plane ticket. Without booking in advance." I'm gonna miss coming home from school to my parents home making dinner. It's gonna be tough when all I want is to hug their necks, only to know that they are thousands of miles away. Life is changing...moving...going and going...chugging along like a freight train. It can't be stopped and it can't be slowed. We move at a hundred miles an hour only to look back and wish we had walked instead of ran. Mom, Dad; Thanks. For growing me. For showing me how to act. For speaking into me from the beginning. You saw my giftings and allowed me to hone them. You saw my faults and showed me how to improve them. Even now, you pray over every aspect of my future and desire for me to succeed. Renee, you are a fantastic young woman. You are growing up more and more everytime I get to see you. Don't stop working hard. Don't lose your kindness. You are gonna do some awesome things in the future, and I'll be proud of you every step of the way. I'm not really sure where to end this...maybe like this. Though we seem to say goodbye an awful lot, it just opens up another opportunity for a fantastic hello down the road. Another opportunity to spend time with you. Another time where we can just talk and love on eachother. And the more I say goodbye, the more excited I am for the next time.

Something to think about...

2010-07-21T13:13:00.000-07:00

If you are reading this, you probably know me better than most. And by knowing me better than most, you MUST know that John Mayer is as close to an idol as I'll ever get. Don't worry...I don't idolize his actions, nor his language, nor his free time habits. However, what I do find most brilliant about him is this: every single time I hear him speak from the heart or say what is on his mind, I think to myself "Dude...you GET IT. You are looking for Jesus, you just haven't found him yet." He thinks on a different level...the way he sees life is very close to the way I view life. Let this stand as an introduction to the following.

(Posted by John Mayer to his tumblr account...)

Simplicity

I wish that when I was younger I could have met my current self. We would have sat down at a coffee shop so that I could explain life to young me in terms that only we would understand. It would have saved me a lot of hardship.

You can listen to all the sage wisdom you want, but things only make sense when you can explain them to yourself in your own words. For instance, I’ve been told for three years that Breaking Bad is the best show on television, but only after I watched it was I able to tell myself exactly why everyone was right. Other truths I know now that I can explain them: that I’m not missing any crucial information and that poker really isn’t all that fun; that heartbreaks do fade but they take about a year longer than you expect and by the time they do you really don’t care about it enough to notice; and above all else, life is simpler than you think.

I used to think that life was an intricate series of levers and pulleys, buttons and switches, Mexican standoffs and hostage negotiations. As I get older I realize that life is more Netherlands minimalist than Jackson Pollock. The problems don’t get fewer, and in fact they grow in number, but the way I index them in the database is different. More problems get filed under fewer category headers.

Things are getting simpler, and it’s making life better. Here’s the cheat sheet:

People want to be liked. We all crave attention and affection and we all reject shame. When we get embarrassed we send a thug version of ourselves to the forefront to do our fighting for us. We’re at the top of the food chain just under fear. We don’t want to be in a relationship to hear the words “I love you,” we want to be in a relationship to say the words “I love you.” We want to feel needed, and exceptional and we hate feeling insignificant. We want to ace a hearing test. We are binary creatures; if we’re the plaintiff, we want to win every dollar. If we’re the defendant, we want guard every penny. We want to make more money than last year. We don’t want to get cancer or die in our cars and we want the same for our loved ones. We go out on weekends to try and have sex while trying not to get punched in the face. We drink so we can be ourselves and not mind it so much. We’re desperate to be understood. We want to know someone else has felt it, too. We hate being judged unfairly. We want to make the person we heard wasn’t all that into us change their minds and admit they had us wrong. We want sunny skies with a chance of killer tornadoes, just to keep music sounding good. We take hours upon hours to admit to self consciousness. We don’t know exactly how to pleasure each other. We just want love. In any and every form.

See? It’s simple. :)

See? It's that simple...let's unpack this, shall we? Life isn't that difficult...when we grow older, the problems don't get less...we just categorize them differently. When I was a teenager (even my first year at college), life was "girl problems, money problems, family problems, friend problems, friend's problems (notice the apostrophe and context...), car problems, class problems, music class problems, room-mate problems, room problems, authority problems, etc. etc. etc...you get the drift. Now...there are life problems, Ryan problems, and other people problems. Narrowed down through time...

Now, as you may notice...I did not censor the article. John's exact words are

We don’t want to get cancer or die in our cars and we want the same for our loved ones. We go out on weekends to try and have sex while trying not to get punched in the face. We drink so we can be ourselves and not mind it so much. We’re desperate to be understood. We want to know someone else has felt it, too. We hate being judged unfairly. We want to make the person we heard wasn’t all that into us change their minds and admit they had us wrong. We want sunny skies with a chance of killer tornadoes, just to keep music sounding good. We take hours upon hours to admit to self consciousness. We don’t know exactly how to pleasure each other.

When I read that part...I break. He wants the best for his loved ones. Don't we all? He goes out on weekends to have sex and drinks so he can be himself without minding who he is. He is desperate to be understood. Insert your name there. You go out on weekends to have sex. Ok, so if you are reading this, you probably don't, but catch my drift here. America equates sex with fun. It equates sex with arrival. It equates sex with sales. Maybe you aren't having sex...but what are you doing on the weekends simply because you enjoy it? You drink so you can be yourself and not mind who you are......*pause here and think on that*.....

Are you happy with who you are? How often do we cover up who we are? How often do we act differently because we don't like who we are? How often do we buy something thinking "This is what I WISHED I like/was/could be." How often do we act differently just so those around us don't see what we are really like? In this line of thought...how desperate are we to be understood? AND we want to know that someone has felt that way too... We hate being judged unfairly, and our innermost being craves for that person who misjudged us to realize they did and admit they were wrong.

If your insides are turning...read that again until they do. This is a guy who has it ALL. A big name, a great face, money, cars, any woman he desires, and multiple platinum selling records. And he feels this way. Just like you and me. And he puts it out there to read. And people just like him ponder it the same way he has. And they still come up empty...

Since I imagine you have been reading closely, you may say "RYAN! You missed a paragraph!". I did it because I wanted to save it for last.

We don’t want to be in a relationship to hear the words “I love you,” we want to be in a relationship to say the words “I love you.” We want to feel needed, and exceptional and we hate feeling insignificant.

I'm 20 years old. I'm still young. I'm still figuring out life. But I do know this: I have no desire to be in a relationship to be made happy. I don't crave a girl telling me that I look good, that I'm strong, or that I sing well. I want to be in a relationship so I can say "Wow. You look great. You make me happy. You sing well." "We don't want to be in a relationship to hear the words "I love you." We want to be in a relationship to say the words "I love you". I don't want to be in a relationship to hear the words "I love you". I want to be in a relationship to say the words "I love you". "We want to feel needed, and exceptional, and we hate feeling insignificant." *another thinking break...let that sink in*

We all want to feel needed, and we hate feeling insignificant. Do I need to elaborate? Didn't think so. This last paragraph has rocked me, even writing it. I have felt this way for 6 months...thinking these exact words myself. And the person who penned it perfectly wasn't a pastor, theologian, or missionary. It was a 30 year old musician who has no relationship with Jesus. Does that anger you? Does that make you say "Irrelevant. He's not saved. Throw it out."

You know what Jesus said? "I don't want to be in a relationship just to hear you say "I love you"; I want to be in this relationship to say the same thing back. Through me, you are no longer insignificant. Through me, you are made perfect. Through me, you no longer have to search. Through me, you no longer have to be ashamed. Through me, you no longer have to have sex on the weekends to feel good, and you no longer need to drink to make you like who you are. I made you. I already like who you are, as I made you perfect, without spot, blemish or fault."

I end with this...

Something's missing
And I dont know how to fix it
Something's missing
And I dont know what it is
At all

John Mayer wrote those words. The song is Something's Missing. The album is Heavier Things. He is so close to Jesus...because guess who created him. John, I pray for you every day. I hope you find what you are looking for.

Let's jump in.

2010-06-10T21:23:00.001-07:00

Wow. It's been a while since I've done this....time to get back into the habit. Let's jump in head first.

While in process of reading "Forgotten God" by Francis Chan (it's an OK book...kinda basic and vague), I've been thinking a lot about the Holy Spirit in my life. Specifically, in how I lead worship. Until now, I think that I have viewed Him as a sort of thing that when people want him, He'll show up in service. But as of lately, every time I go on stage, I pray specifically for me to be a faucet for the Holy Spirit. A conduit that He is free to move through and interact with. Without Him, what I do is worthless and small. But through His interactions in my life, The Spirit changes lives. I want my whole life to be a circuit for The Spirit. I don't want to limit Him to only on stages or when people are watching. I desire to walk step by step with Him. What if every single decision that I make was fashioned and directed by Him. We need The Spirit. We need to stop with all these "programs" for how to do worship. No more "say something moving to yank people into a responding mood". Why can't we say "Holy Spirit, move through me. What you want to say, say it through me. Direct thoughts and lives through my ministry." I'm tired of seeing these new equations come about. Lets forget about them all and say "You know what, You are welcome here. Move as you please." How about we try it and see what happens.

Close these doors...

2010-02-08T21:44:00.000-08:00

How often do we pray "Lord, just open doors!!". Right now, I'm praying quite the opposite...for the last year, I have been growing so much, and just craving for God to do some things in my life. Now all of a sudden, I don't know which way to turn. There are so many things calling for my attention; so many people who want pieces of me here and there...it's exhausting, tiring, and somewhat confusing. So I pray "God, guide each and every step. Close the doors that need to be closed and open the ones that need to stay open."

God, I don't want to hurt peoples feelings; I don't want to miss out on great opportunities; I just need you to show up. Clear up this mess of things in my head...let me not burn bridges, but live in expectancy. Help me to KNOW which things you have placed and which things that I have placed in priority. I am at a standstill, and my thoughts keep me restless. Give me a sound mind, pure righteous decision-making, and Your love and wisdom. Without it, I am truly lost. Without you, I continue to run in circles, jumping from thing to thing, with no plan and no future. I need you to reveal to me exactly what I need in every situation. Make me a true chaser for Your heart...

What I learned in 2009....

2010-01-14T14:18:00.001-08:00

I put this on my facebook too...

When worship becomes a formality, don't even bother. Apply yourself to everything you want to be good at. Don't fall too hard or too fast. A broken heart is the worst, but I think it's necessary at least once. The mouth is a dangerous tool, whether words, attitudes, or tone. It is normal to be angry and frustrated, but never take it out on others; it will hurt you and them. When you sing, sing like you've never sung before. When you lead worship, actually worship. Don't just lead others INTO worship. If someone acknowledges their faults and truly desires to change, don't write them off. Help them grow. Growth hurts so badly, but their is nothing like seeing where you came from to where you are. You are never as cool as you think you are. Introversion isn't a bad thing if you are extraverted. Know who holds your heart. He loves you enough that he won't let it break. You are never alone. If you do something with enough energy and excitement, people will love it even if its bad. Eventually, you will come back to your first love. I love my violin more than I ever have. Who cares what people think...live like no one's watching. I have an audience of one, and He is so proud of me. There isn't anything you can do about a bad grade. Just tear it up the next time. I don't really care about perfectionism...unless I'm playing music. John Mayer is the musician of my generation. And he blows my mind with every word. Less is more. Delay is a guitarists best friend. Uggs are still ugly. I secretly would enjoy being indie. I really like sunglasses and shoes. V-necks. Win. If you wear a suit, people will immediately give you a bit more respect. There is nothing new in the world. If you think you have arrived, you aren't even close. 2009 was a YEAR for me. I've never grown so much in one year. Ever. Change hurts, but I have never embraced it like I have this year. To anyone who reads this, if I hurt or offended you, I am so sorry. If I ever snapped at you, forgive me. Don't hold it against me. The Ryan that entered 2009 is not the Ryan that exited 2009. Thanks for all my friends, both new and old. You make my life interesting. Mom, Dad, and Nay, thanks for all you are. Dad, thanks for your long AIM conversations (i have lots of them saved on my computer) full of wisdom and love. Thanks for being so patient with me and showing me how to truly live. Mom, you make me laugh and I'm forever grateful for all you are. Renee...holy cow have you grown. You are almost as tall as I am! I have enjoyed watching you grow up so much in just a year. You are truly gonna be even more amazing as you grow. What a year it was...and what a year it is going to be.

A Year: A reflection on 2009.

2010-01-10T23:58:00.000-08:00

...Facebook statuses. Who knew that by reading all of my status updates from 2009, I could remember so much. The good; the bad. The fun; the tough. And yet, after looking back, God had it planned from the start. He knew about it ALL beforehand. And I still struggle to trust him? Ironic, isn't it? That we can look back and say "Lord, it was all your plan" and yet we can't put our lives into his strong hands. Oh, how I have changed in a year. 2009 was most definitely a year that I will look back on as the year that I started to grow up. How funny is it that such a short section of my life can bring the biggest changes. When January 1st 09 came around, I had my own idea of how it was going to go. And how far off I was I could have never seen. While being one of the most fun years of my life, it was also by FAR the most difficult. And yet God is still in control of it all. The biggest lesson of 09? Don't throw stones; they get heavy so quickly. Take the high road; you may not see the benefits quickly, but overtime, the righteous are blessed. It is so very difficult to do, but it is worth it.

So for this year, I'm not even going to try and make ideas of how it's gonna roll. I'm going to sit back and say "Lord, have your way. I trust you." I'll do my best to roll with the punches, to learn and let go. 2010 is bound to have its troubles and blessings, but through it all, You remain my constant. You truly are the heartbeat I long for. Nahum 1:7...the theme of 2009, and my desire for 2010.

Mark Batterson's Primal Review

2009-12-23T17:17:00.001-08:00

I recently received an advance copy of Mark Batterson’s new book, Primal. Having read his previous book, In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day, when I saw that it was possible to apply for an advance reading of his newest writings, I jumped at the opportunity. After reading this book, I am very happy to say that this is indeed another must read.

Primal, a “quest for the lost soul of Christianity”, is broken up into four different sections all covering a different topic or idea of this faith that we hold so dearly. These include the heart of Christianity, the soul of Christianity (my personal favorite), the mind of Christianity, and lastly, the strength of Christianity.

The final thoughts in part two, the soul of Christianity, is truly inspiring to any Christian reader. The idea discussed is that when we come across a verse in the scripture, what if we truly unpacked what it said and applied it directly to our lives. How different would we be if we absolutely lived out what we read. We as Christians need to be a living translation of what we read. Wow. To hear it put like that truly encapsulates what our lives should be about. To be a light in the dark; a city on a hill. A living, breathing, walking, talking book of Christ.

I encourage anyone who reads this review to go to your local bookstore and purchase it. I have faith that as soon as you pick it up, it wont be closed until the final page has been turned.

Mom, Dad, and Nay.

2009-11-25T12:43:00.000-08:00

Well, this is the second time in my life that I've done Thanksgiving without you...and I hate it. I miss you all so very much...Mom, remember our annual day after Thanksgiving shopping dates?How we used to outlaw Dad and Nay because they were so SLOOOW!! Remember that year that I went and picked up the two guitar hero's and you came and met me to pay for em? Great memories... Dad, do you remember on November 21 going at 12:00 AM to stand in line for my 360 to get it the day it came out? How COLD it was?! We got escorted through Best Buy and everything! That was so much fun...wish we could do it all over again... Renee, I still remember one year mom came a little bit later in the morning to get some stuff on black Friday and I asked where you were, and mom said "Oh, shes asleep!" I got home, woke you up, and we went out shopping at the mall!!

I miss you guys so much...this really isn't a holiday without you guys around. It's just another day of the year that I miss you more than normal. You truly make the holidays holidays, and without you, they aren't nearly as much fun. I can't wait to see you in less than a month for Christmas!

Who would have thought it would be this hard

2009-11-02T16:10:00.000-08:00

When no one seems to understand….

When you had a bad relationship and cant get away from not seeing her….

When you have a lot of work and nothing to show for it….

When you feel un appreciated…..

When you pray and nothing changes…..

Man, mom. How did you know exactly how I feel...I can't put it into words. The only thing that comes out is I don't know. How can you express when your heart just hurts? Is there even words created to describe that? I'm sorry that I can't describe why I feel how I feel. But even still...my best isn't cutting it. I work so hard...and I'm moving backwards. I never thought it would be so hard to motivate myself to keep trying. I hate how I always feel...and I try to change. And I pray for change. But change isn't visible. Why can't it just all be over? Why can't my heart just feel better. Why can't I change my mindset? Sure...I knew it would hurt for a while. But this long? And does it all stem from that? Is that where the issues came to the surface? I have been trying to fix it all, but it breaks faster than I can fix it...; I just want you to acknowledge that I exist. God...fix me. You're all I have left.

My own army...

2009-09-04T11:40:00.000-07:00

Judges 7. Gideon. 32,000 men to fight for Israel...and yet God says "Nope. Too many." So Gideon sends 22,000 men home. 10,000. SURELY that is not enough men to bring down Midian. And yet...God says "Nope. You still have too many men." So there is Gideon. And 300 others. To take down an army. Shane Claiborne says "Only God can be trusted with power and strength, lest Israel think too highly of herself or depend on her military might rather than the miraculous God who can split oceans open to protect them."

Right now...I am in a process where God is saying to me "Nope. You are still depending on yourself. I want less of you." So I break myself down, thinking SURELY, God, this is enough to suffice. How will I survive against Midian without counting on myself! And then God says "Nope. Still too much." And as I'm sitting here...I finally GET IT. The more of ME that is involved, the more I think to myself "Look what I have brought myself through." And I can just imagine God thinking to himself "Ryan, you are a MORON. You don't get it. This isn't about YOU. It's about ME. When will you see that I will break you down until you realize that you are NOTHING without me. I will split the oceans to protect you, but until you win the battle as a BROKEN man, you won't learn that I suffice. I am all you need. Without me, you are nothing. You are made in MY image, not your own. Without me, you lose every time."

I get it. The breaking me down is building me up. The less of me there is to fight with, the MORE of me that will be left standing. God goes ahead, behind, and to the sides. When I empty myself, I am filled with Him. As I look in the mirror, I no longer see me. I see Him. He makes me...me. I am learning that if I still think I won on my own, that it was ME that got me through it, than I haven't won at all. Until I see that without God, the battle was lost; until I see that he fought for me, than there is too much of me in the equation still.

Me - Me = God.

Let's start this year off right...

2009-08-22T09:56:00.000-07:00

This next year at vfcc has never been done before. New places, new faces, new activities, new classes; you know the drill. But the past is gone, and the future is bright. I can't do anything about the last semester, or the one before. The opportunities for this semester are grand...my life will continue to grow...continuing to be stretched. And I welcome it. Growth hurts sometimes...most times in fact. God, stretch me. Let me change, never to be the same...let the people I meet make me better. Let my experiences this year teach me to trust you...I give my past to you, and I know you will take care of the future. Make me new...give me a heart for the things of you, and a mind that longs to find you. For when I seek you with all that I am, I know that I will never come up empty...

Look at the kids...

2009-08-01T20:58:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna start this off by saying this to the world.

Mom and Dad, thank you so very much for being who you are. You are a constant, daily encouragement. You show me the right way to live, and the right way to treat people. You have molded me into who I am, and I am so happy to call you two my parents.

I say this because I was recently thinking about those people in ministry who abuse others and often wreck homes...then, out of nowhere, I thought of a conversation I had with my mom a while back. We were talking about those people as mentioned before, and so very often, you can see how it affects the children. In a healthy home where God is first, where you roll with the punches, and treat others how God would, the children show the blessing of God in your family. And then you look at the opposite side of the coin, and the children and parents struggle...think of those people who make it a point to be ontop. How often are they the families with children who struggle with their faith and life in general.

Proverbs 22:6 says to train a child in the ways they should go, and they won't stray from it. How often do children learn by ovserving? When they observe the wrong way of doing things, many times, they are the first to repeat. I say all of this mostly just to thank you, Mom and Dad. I see how you treat people. How you love on everyone, even those that hurt you. I see how you pour yourself out, just to be filled. And though life isn't always easy, I attribute my blessing to you. I am so blessed...and it is all because of you. God blesses us in so many ways...and I know that I am being so blessed because of how you live your life. You are the reason I act like I do, and all the good qualities attributed to me are because of you. Thanks for being who you are. You will most certainly be blessed beyond measure because of it...

That look in my eye...

2009-07-30T21:52:00.000-07:00

I am convinced that Jesus had a look in his eye that when others saw it, they KNEW without a doubt that he cared about every part of their lives. And I want that look. I want people to see me and no matter who they are, they know I care about every part of their lives. They hear about this "Jesus" guy all the time...but never know what he was like; how he acted. I take it upon myself (as we all should) to, as my favorite saying goes, be Jesus with skin on. We need to be a visual representation of what this guy was all about. Because if we don't...who will? I want to have the eyes of Jesus...eyes of compassion and love. Because without that look...why even bother with who I am? I have nothing special to bring...but if I have that spirit about me...they aren't going to see me. They are going to see my model...Jesus.

Lessons from a crazy kid with a flag...

2009-07-25T20:49:00.000-07:00

There I am, playin guitar on stage, right in the middle, when I look down and see this kid. He is collapsed on the steps to the stage, clutching his teams flag. You see, this kid's name is Shai. Hes gonna be a ninth grader next hear in East Providence. What a kid Shai is. You talk about energy...while getting to know him throughout the week, he told me about everything from his girl issues to his embarrassing stories, down to his favorite candy (which we bonded on cause it was Reese's). Anyway, here I look down and he is just clutching this flag, worshipping his Lord. Even on the fast songs, I would look down and see him waving his teams flag...

You see, normally, I make fun of flag worshippers. But this 14 year old kid has GOT it. What if we could just say to the world "You know what? I don't care what you think about me. I'm going to do what I'm going to do, no matter how you feel about it. I don't need your stupid approval, my God is worth it." What an idea. One of my favorite sayings is "sometimes you just have to let loose." I got this from a guy named Karl in Costa Rica, when out of nowhere, he hears this song on the station in a subway and just start groovin to it, right there in the lobby. I used to think that this was crazy! Until I slowly realized that why even bother with this existence if I can't be excited by it! Sometimes you just gotta let loose!!! Anyways...back to Shai. He didn't care what the other kids thought about him; he didn't want their approval. He wanted God's. And you know what? I'm sure God was up there lookin' down and saying "Shai, you have GOT it. And I LOVE you so much. If only those around you could just realize what you have...". Shai, you will never read this, and I wish I would have told you this to your face, but you are my hero. You taught me a lesson in one glance that it takes some a lifetime to achieve.

So if you are reading this, I just want to let you know that I don't care what you think about me, and neither does my big dad. He just wants me to love him and lay it all down for him. From here on out, when I play for him, I'm gonna leave it all on that stage. When I sing for him, I want my voice to be completely depleted, given up in worship. I don't care what those kids down there think, I want them to see me and see that I'm just letting loose. After all, why not randomly dance in a subway...you never know whos face you might brighten... (i like to think that God laughs at me and thinks to himself "you go Ryan. Enjoy the life I gave you, make the most of it. Dance like no one is watching."

So Shai, thanks. I dedicate this to you. And I know for a fact that God looks down and you bring joy to his face, just because of who you are. Don't ever lose that passion you have, cause you sure bring joy to my heart.

How He Loves

2009-07-14T14:03:00.000-07:00

Oh, how he loves us. Those are amazing words. The God of the Universe, the maker of all, loves me. My God loves me so much that he wants to visit with me. When I say his name, he hears and answers. We have a God that thoroughly enjoys spending time with us, that just wants us to sit at his feet. All these other religions have these gods that are so distant. They demand allegiance. When you die, they keep you guessing, hoping that you did enough to squeak by and enter into paradise. But God, my God, loves me and just wants to be close to me. He loves me and all he asks of me is that I love him in return. There is no guessing, no formula, and no program. Just unending Love.

Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that. Eph. 5:1-2

He doesn't want anything in return. He just wants us. No matter what I do, I cannot escape his love. I can't run away from it. It doesn't matter how I feel in return, he still loves me. The maker of everything loves me so much that he knows my name. And when I have a question for him, he even answers! The love he has for me transcends any love that ever was. Everything that he has done throughout history was because of his love for us. No matter how many times we are hurt or rejected, his love remains. When all is gone and turned to dust, his love still wraps me in his arms. I don't have time to worry when I dwell on his love. When I worry, it shows my lack of trust in who He is. When I stress, it just shows my desire to have control over the situation, when all I need to do is lay it down. His love covers it all, everytime. I desire to love like God loves. I pray that I would have a love that covers the wrongs done to me. That no matter what someone does to me, I still love them. Who am I to hold a grudge when God doesn't. Imagine if He held grudges...we would have no chance. So why should I. I choose to love, like He loves me.

Letting Go

2009-07-05T22:04:00.001-07:00

Not really sure how to start this...it's pretty transparent, but I guess I'll just type and see what happens...

Life is definitely not easy...pain, heartache, and depression are so close to us at all times that it is impossible to ignore. Right now...I'm still hurting. I struggle so much with the idea that it's completely my fault; that surely there is something I could have done to fix the issue... Pain is an interesting thing...it grips the heart. Fills up your soul, busies your mind. It is so easy to dwell in pain, just ride it for who knows how long. Then because of the pain, people you come in contact with never see the real you. Everytime we get hurt, we seem to lose a part of ourselves. We close, little by little. I am so scared that because I have been hurt, I won't be able to trust again. It is so tough to not let people deal with hurt that never involved them in the first place. While discussing this with my dad, he told me that the only thing that I can do is to just let it go. Just to say "God, here it is. I give it to you. I don't want to carry this anymore, so I give it to you." I find that I remind myself of this daily. When that pain grips my heart, I just say "God, I let it go. You know the pain I carry and the worry that I have, but I give it to you. It isn't mine to carry anymore...you alone hold my future, so I release this worry. I give it all to you."

As I'm finding, this isn't an easy prayer to pray. To pray this, you have to mean it; to mean it, you have to let it go. Even if you don't want to. It's so funny how we have this pain, yet we still seem to thrive on it. Why is that? Maybe because we can use it at a crutch or an excuse? Maybe to justify how we act and base our decisions later on in life? How does that even help us? Why should a person I come into contact with have to deal with the pain from before? Just let it go! We have the option for it to be lifted from us, yet we squeeze it so tightly like its a safety blanket. At some point, a child needs to learn to grow without their safety blanket...can you imagine if adults just continued to carry them around in life? Yet that is exactly what we do with our lives! We clutch our pain and our "woe is me" for so long that it stunts who we are. We cease to realize that it doesn't just affect you, it affects those you care about and those who would like to care about you. "God, I let it go." And yet, those 5 words are still so difficult to say. I love instant results, but some things aren't that easy. The more I pray this, the deeper it gets into my spirit. Even after a while, when I pray these words, the pain hurts even greater. But I HAVE to do it, or I will be an adult stunted in my maturity, carrying around my safety blanket for the world to see. So I challenge you, just as I challenge myself. Don't dwell in the past. Don't fear the future. Give it up with open arms.

2009-06-06T19:52:00.001-07:00

Lord, Grow me. Do whatever it takes...I open myself to you completely. Let the past be the past and the future be in your hands. Let me trust you with all my heart, I give it to you. You and you alone hold it in your hands...you are the reason it beats. I pray that I would no longer dwell in the past, as you are the God who completes my present and directs my future. Take me, mold me, and grow me into the man you want me to be. God, you have known my life since you created the universe, every day, every moment. God, you have planned every relationship that I've ever had. AND you even know HER NAME!!! You have created my world, and it is perfect. Jesus, keep joyful, not sad. Keep me confident, not prideful. Keep me loving, not downtrodden. Keep me pure, not sinful. Let me be who you want me to be, remove the "I" 's from my mind. It is about you, not me...take me and let me be flexible. Let me not be controlling or angry, but let me gracious and kind. You have created me with a purpose, so let me live in your image. Let me feel you with me every second of every day, that your presence would be ever present with me. That when people see me, they would see you. That when I open my mouth, YOU would speak. That when I reach out my hand, they would grab yours. I give myself to you. I am no longer my own, I am yours. Do with me what you want, wherever you want, and in your timing. That I would step in the footprints you have already placed, that I would follow your path. You are the just and true, loving and gracious. You have never given up on me, no matter the mistakes I make. You have made me for a reason. Let me never grow content or fulfilled in you...that I would never be stagnant. I need to continue to grow until my final breath, for that breath is yours. That your word would be in me, that I would be on my mind constantly. I desire to dwell in your presence no matter where I am. That I would be transparent, not fake. I ask that through me, people would thrive. It isn't about me. My life isn't about me. It is about you. I love you, and yet you still love me more. My life is not random, and your plan for me is perfect. Let me not doubt what you have for me, and not doubt the person you have made me. Remove fear, in the name of Jesus. Remove doubt. Remove pride. Remove anger. Remove my controlling spirit. Remove every speck. Make me a man in your image. I am yours, and you are mine. You are not God of my parents, or of the generations past, but you are a God of my own. I pray that I wouldn't try to put you in a box but that I would be open. That Jesus, you wouldn't just live in my heart, but that you would live in my mind, my arms, my legs...that you would fill me up. Let me overflow with you. That I would make a constant joyful noise through you, and that you would hear me. You aren't a God who looks down at me, but you are a God who looks me in the eye. You meet me face to face, exactly where I am. I rebuke these fears that I have about my future, I rebuke this feeling of loneliness. You and YOU alone complete who I am. That I wouldn't not harden my heart to other because of something that has happened before, but that I would be gracious. Let me never hold a grudge, and never treat another lower than myself. I need you more than I did 5 minutes ago. I long for your presence, I long for your spirit. Guide me throughout my days. Take me. All of it. The good and the bad. It is all yours. Let me be completely transparent before you. That I would not try to hide behind a mask. Let me be content in who I am, because it is you that placed me here. You don't make trash. You don't make junk. You don't make mistakes. Though the world is far from perfect, you are. And I praise you for who you are and what you do. Though it may seem hard, sometimes it feels like you can't take another step, you pick up my foot and place it on solid ground. All other ground is sinking sand Lord...and you are the Rock in the middle. Let me make an impact. Let me be like a city on a hill. You are the creator of the universe, and yet you choose to be my friend. You CHOOSE to draw close to me when I call. You are my father AND my mother. You not only teach me how to live, but you also heal my wounds and hold me close. You choose to let me cry on your shoulder. And you wipe my tears. And for all of this I praise you. I praise you for who you are. Let every move I make be a blessing to you. Every word be a melody unto your ears. I pray that as I lay my head, that you would fill it with you. Remove worry, fear, depression, or rejection. It is not of you, and I rebuke it. You are my father...hold me close. Thank you for giving me a reason to move, a reason to sing, and a reason to dance. You give me a reason to use my giftings for you. You give me life, and you give it to me in the fullest.

Goodnight Jesus...

Behind the eyes...

2009-05-30T20:01:00.000-07:00

Whats going on in your mind? What is BEHIND your eyes? Have you ever let anyone in? From what little experience I have in life, I am learning that there is more than just the eyes to the picture...

Have you ever tried to be in relationship with someone who you realized never truly let you know their heart, or what was going on inside? I am the kind of person who's sole desire is to see the world behind your eyes. I want to be involved, I have a need to be trusted. To lose someones trust is my greatest fear...and one of my greatest pains. Maybe it is because I am very transparent, but I try to let people see what is really going on behind my eyes.

What is life without being vulnerable? YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SO TOUGH! If you get any morsel of idea out of this little post, let it be this. Let that person in. I KNOW you have been hurt in the past...I KNOW it's hard to trust again...but it only hurts you, and the person who just wants to see YOU and who you really are...

I recently found a song that kinda got this idea brewing in my head, by Jon Foreman...

Behind Your Eyes

If you let your feelings go, dear
It's scary what you'll find
I find I'm on your street, dear
And you're always on my mind
And no one need to know
That you let me in tonight
That you let me see the world
That you let me see the world
Behind your eyes
I want to see us work, dear
To reach the other side
Our treachery is love, dear
We're on both ends of the fight
We're fighting for ourselves
Fighting for our lives
Would you let me see
The world behind your eyes
And no one needs to know
How scared we are tonight
Would you let me see the world
Behind your eyes

That person cares so much about you that they want to see who you are. They will look past all of your shortcoming, hoping you will do the same. I challenge you...just a piece. Just start with one piece of your world.

Let them in...they care about you more than you know...

I make a challenge to you. Let them see you for who you are. Let them in, even if it's just a little bit at a time, and you will realize that it's not just for them, it's for you.

Let's go back to the start...

2009-05-06T16:57:00.000-07:00

Life. You feel you've got it going, that everything is going great...but you get hit with a curveball. It's easy to get bitter; so easy to get angry. But why bother.... It doesn't fix anything. I choose to look at myself, see what I did wrong and fix it. Maybe I will get a second chance, maybe not. But regardless, I do it for ME. If I fix myself, the rest will fall into place. If I deal with my issues, others' won't seem so bad. Yes, it's my fault. But I intend to fix it. I won't rest until I'm different. I won't be content till I have changed. And if that chance never comes again, I'm still better because it crashed the first time. If life hadn't dealt me a curveball, I wouldn't have seen the issue in the first place.

Father, help me. You know me, and you know my personality and all of my shortcomings. You know my issue that I have with anger, and of how it controls how I treat the people. I ask that as I go about my day, that you would help me change the way I act. I pray that you would give me a loving heart. That when I get frustrated, I wouldn’t take it out on others, but that you would give me peace. I need you to remove this controlling attitude that I have and that I would no longer feel that I am entitled to always being right. I pray that you would develop these changes in me and that others would see it. In your name, Amen.

Now you see it too. If you read this, and happen to see me...ask me if I've prayed today. Who knows...you could make a difference in my life.

The scientist

2009-05-06T16:56:00.000-07:00

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I've set you apart
Tell me your secrets
And nurse me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start
Running in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on the science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start
I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Oh tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I’m going back to the start

Time...time is what brings us together today...

2009-02-24T23:34:00.000-08:00

Well, here I am again. I have decided to limit myself to (fingers crossed) one post a week, to unsure the impossibility of "blog burnout". I have been thinking about forgiveness a lot lately, and realized that sometimes, time goes hand in hand with the act of forgiving...

You see, time really does heal all wounds. When I used to see this, I thought it was completely wrong until I realized that, it isn't the time, but the experiences over time that are the true medications. Things happen over time that broaden our horizons, open our eyes, and stretch us little by little. Through being stretched, those things that hurt us in the past seem to dull; they lose the luster of pain. I imagine hurt as a freshly paved road. It isn't the time itself that wears the road out, but the journeys that are traveled on it. Bit by bit, little by little, the pain gets thinner and starts to crack. After some of the journeys are complete, life once again begins to grow through the cracks...

one

blade

at a time.

Thats all it takes. Just one little blade of life...

As the the journey continues, a little more life grows. The a bit more...and a bit more....until, after a while, the road is no longer visible beneath the life.

All I really have to say is...enjoy the journey. Though you feel like you may have blown any chance of happiness out of the water, the journey may bring you right back. By that time, though the pain still lingers, you are given another chance. And as you start that second chance, slowly but surely, the pain will start to recede. All thats left is the new life poking through, bringing you into a peace...one that passes all understanding.

Deep, late night thoughts...why can't i think like this during the day??

2009-02-13T22:10:00.000-08:00

So, it's 1:10 in the morning...I took a nap...and now can't sleep...great. But hey, gives me time to just process thoughts. If you know me, you know that I tend to fly by the seat of my pants (and quite enjoy it), but sometimes, it's so good to just slow down and think. To process. As Americans in general, we start to look so FAR AHEAD that we lose track of the here. The now. I am always looking at point C while working on point A. Now, I realized that this is a good trait to have, but because of it, life just seems to cruise by. The bible says a lot about looking for/striving for the goal ahead, but my only question is....does that mean neglect what we are here for now? We focus so much on making the end goal that we forget to enjoy the journey. When really, what changes us more? The finished product? Or what it took to get there.

I LOVE the book The Shack. It has changed me and my outlook on life on so many levels. I have read it 5 times since I received it at Christmas time. I say this because a major theme of the whole book is that God, my God, is a God of the now. Yes, he forgives the past. We know he knows our future. But He is the God of now. I find myself praying that I would make the right decision now, so I don't have to deal with the consequences later. If I take care of what needs to be taken care of now, then it all works out in the end. I pride myself on the fact that no matter what the project or goal is, I always get it done. Usually this is me pulling an all nighter the day before the completion date. Is that the way I should be doing it? I take pride in my work, but is that showing it? Does God want a slapped together, super-glued, still drying finished product? Or does He want something that has been sculpted...molded? I find that the best things are those that get worked on little by little. The artist puts it away for a while. Then, when the project is taken out, it has a fresh look. A new, innovative idea to accompany it. I think God wants something that has been broken time and time again. Something that has been torn down, and then fixed with his own hands. I like to think that God prides himself in me. In the way that I jack myself up only to be made stronger by the Artist. I want my life to have a story behind it. I hate the pain while in the midst of it, but thank God for it when I am through it. Without the pain, would I be who I am? Those tough experiences conform me into the image of myself that I need to be.

The blessing of the second chance.

2009-02-07T23:35:00.000-08:00

Tonight, I was thinking about how in life, we are often presented with the sometimes elusive "second chance". All I have to say is...."Lord, thank you for this gift you have given me of a "re-do" with the added benefit of hindsight." Hope this little 30 seconds made your day brighter.

2009-02-03T08:03:00.000-08:00

So....wow...haven't done this in a while! I guess I'll just jot down some random thoughts before class starts....

1. THANK YOU for making my Birthday so special, everybody who was involved in even the smallest way...

2. I have decided that to get the best out of my chapel services here at vfcc, and attitude of expectancy is completely necessary....I noticed this because...well, I guess I'll just tell the story...

So, Sunday night I heard that Dr. Dippold (my FAVORITE professor) was speaking in chapel. As soon as I heard this, I was immediately excited for chapel the next day was was EXPECTING great things to happen...now why can't I be like this all the time? What is that invisible wall that holds me back? Expectancy. I know that when you are tired, busy, and your body aches, it's hard to be excited for anything...and yet...if you just take that little bit of your mind and say "God...I'm EXPECTING you do do something great today and I KNOW you will", then how much more freely can God work? Now...take that times 853 (vfcc student population)...what kinds of things could happen? Just a thought....

3. So, I have started lifting weights. I know. But since I made Chosen, the traveling team, I realized that i really wanna look good. Not ripped...just physically fit. And boy...am I paying for it...and yet....it's that pain that feels good? I don't know if you have ever had that...but it's a great feeling.

4. I have just realized that, in this world of IM'ing and FaceBook, I have a hard time remembering to capitalize letters and put apostrophes....

because i could type a sentance like this much faster because i dont have to worry about moving my hands off the keys...its much faster...

5. My little sister is an AMAZING artist of whom I am SO impressed....if you don't believe me, ask her to email my bday pic to you....keep in mind that shes (there i go again...she's) 12 people....that thing looks amazing and I was BLOWN AWAY when I opened the attachment...

6. Hi mom! just in case you are wondering...i now weight a little over 160, am eating healthy, and am putting on muscle. Not wasting away as you might think... :D

Christmas

2008-12-23T22:30:00.000-08:00

So...another year of Christmas...this is the weirdest one for me because it doesn't feel like Christmas at all! I think that this can be attributed to a couple of different things...1) I don't really have a home per-se, 2) I'm in Jamaica where it is 70 to 80 degrees everyday, and 3) I haven't been around my family leading up to the events of Christmas. There is also the fact that Jamaica doesn't have any of the standard decorations, traditions, etc. that go with this time of the year. Regardless, I am expecting this to be a good one. It has been so great just to see my parents and sister, to be involved in their lives (even for just a few weeks) and to just relax....*sigh*.

I'm new to this...

2008-12-20T20:28:00.000-08:00

Hey everybody...

So, while perusing the wonderful world of facebook, I have found that many of the people I know have a blog. I'm not usually a huge fan of writing (unless if for a class or something) but I have decided that since I can't really talk often to my friends from far away, this is a little way for you to see what's going down in my life. I'll try to update rather regularly but (fingers crossed), we will see. Thanks for checkin this out...

Ryan